Facing up to Facebook
A friend sent me a link to this article by feminist author Katie Roiphe a couple of weeks ago, entitled “Get your kid off your Facebook page” and as a feminist, Mom and Facebook user it caught my attention. When I first glanced at it I thought that it was going to be about the risks of posting photos of your kids on the internet in general, for fear of pedophiles viewing them. Was I ever wrong.
Roiphe’s premise is essentially that the phenomena of women posting images of their children as their personal profile photos, rather than being a simple, benign, loving act, is in fact indicative of a far larger problem of women choosing to “hide” behind their children, intentionally abnegating their pre-Motherhood accomplishments and independent identities. And to think that I have been interpreting this as “hey, look how cute my kid is”, or “I just had a baby”, when in fact these women are actually opting out of the effort of “the whole excruciating business of being yourself” - whoa!
I should admit in fairness that Facebook has long intrigued me from a sociological perspective - how is it redefining the meaning of friendship, and what does how we use it say about our identities and how we choose to express them to others? The friend issue has interested me in particular, as prior to Facebook I would not have thought of people that I have never met or even had much contact with as capital-F Friends, in the way one does about those with whom we have shared major life experiences, or even just a regular cup of coffee and pleasant chat. And yet here I am, and grateful for it, appreciating the insights into wider lives than just the typically professional connection that we had previously shared. I have a lot more friends out there than I realized, awesome!
Friends (at least those who become Moms) in Roiphe’s world, however, become almost unbearably tedious in their maternal transformation, with their endless discussions of infantile bodily fluids and obsession with keeping up an incessant flow of attention towards their irritating offspring. Heck, even women who once had interesting and meaningful things to talk about like their careers and current events are now reduced to pandering, unkempt bores whose company is shunned by men at dinner parties. The shame, the shame!
I have several friends, including men, on Facebook who have chosen a multitude of images of things and people other than themselves (including, but not limited to: Harvey Milk, a Sri Lankan beach, an assortment of superheroes, movie stars, household pets, random objects, and yes, their kids) to represent them on Facebook and elsewhere. These images can be humorous, or indicating a milestone, such as the cover of a recently published book - not them, and yet clearly part of their message or one of their accomplishments. How many readers out there “donated” their profile picture space or status updates to show their support for Barack Obama in the last US election? I myself am guilty, having posted images of myself with both my daughter and husband. Is this all I am? Not so much. Does it convey a crucial aspect of who I am in the world of which I am extremely proud? You bet.
I think that’s what saddened me the most about the article - an unwillingness to honor, or encourage being proud of something about ourselves other than what our resumes say. It always wounds me a bit when feminists take aim at other women in this way, particularly using such gross exaggerations (Roiphe apparently doesn’t know any men who do the kid Facebook thing, or attend dinner parties where parents may happen to discuss something other than their kids.) Why is it such a bad thing in Roiphe’s eyes to be proud to be a Mom in this way?
And last but not least, rather than remaining cognizant that hey, after all it’s just internet social networking (what your Mom would say, am I right?) she makes it sound like some rampant social pandemic. Drivers licenses and passports might be next, so don’t go playing around with your Facebook image too much, or you might wake up one of these days not even knowing who you are anymore.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
A bit sad, really, that she sees that being a Mum negates everything else you’re good at or that you suddenly don’t have a life or achievements of which you are proud.
I consider being a Mum one of the more important jobs in the world. How we raise our children *is* the future. What we teach our children now, in regard to how to treat and support their fellow human beings, animals, the Earth, etc, is a direct reflection of what we’re going to see happening around us in 10, 15, 20 years time.
How can she think that turning into a Mum is not one of the biggest feminist accomplishments of all??
June 4th, 2009 at 3:50 am
I don’t think Coralie quite gets Roiphe’s point. Its a misplaced polemic in some way, and the example (kids pics instead of yours on fb) is flimsy, but I don’t think she’s wrong to ask whether we ought to place more value on mums (and dads) as responsible, fully endowed adults - and whether the conventions of modern parenting condone TOO MUCH self sacrifice. In the end a child will value the example and opportunities created by a mum who is engaged in many aspects of the world around her. Children will take everything if we let them - but sometimes for their sakes, and for ours, we have to say no.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:21 am
[…] I read a blog post from the good women at Lunapads about an article written by Katie Roiphe called “Get Your Kid […]
June 4th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I always cringe slightly when I see a kid’s photo being used in place of the adult’s. My policy is this: until my kid is old enough to give me permission to use his image, then I’ll stick to my own identity. And afterall, if I’m playing in the social media space, I’m building a relationship around…well, me, not my cutey pie, as proud of him as I am.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I read the article twice to make sure I got the general gist of it,
and what I’ve surmised from it is: bitterness.
“this voluntary loss of self, comes naturally to her.”
Why does becoming more selfless have to be a bad thing? Yes before becoming a mother everything was about me…but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way forever, nor would I want it to.
What irks me is the need I feel to defend myself against the negativity this (obviously) childless woman has chosen to spew out to the world. It reminds me of a friend I had who was really negative about all the attention her friends now gave to their children, and how they were less available to go for drinks, and coffee and dinner (and her ensuing resentment at feeling left behind).
I’ve had my daughter’s picture up as a FB profile picture before, but I’ve also had Mr.T and a picture of the Marrakech as my profile picture, do those also indicate that I have in some way lost myself to the A-Team and travel?
June 11th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I agree with the author of the article, but I could be biased since I do not have children nor do I have any interest in having them. It’s always irked me to see someone’s Facebook profile picture not being a picture of that person and instead of their kid, a celebrity, or someone else. It’s like the person would rather hide in the shadows or in the case of moms (and some dads), would rather hide their identity behind their “bundle of joy”. I have no qualms with a person’s profile picture being a photo of that person *with* their child, partner/spouse, pet, or whatever because at least the profile holder’s identity is part of the picture.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:50 am
I agree with Holly above. I am someone who is also without children, yet will continue to be childfree. I have no problem with people having children, the only ‘bitterness’ I have towards those who decide to have them, (well the majority of the parents I know) keep telling me I WILL have them….and that’s a whole other can of worms.
Now I have been guilty of posting profile pictures other than myself once or twice, but it wouldn’t be a constant thing….it was marking an occasion, etc, for a day or two. And that is fine I guess. When your child is born, I could totally understand posting it as a profile pic for a bit. What irks me is when it’s one picture after another for days, weeks, months on end. I have one friend who never even shows her face anymore. I see the correlation too between ‘losing identity’ and the profile picture sub in with this particular woman. She, sadly, is one of those who lost themselves and gave up everything. I had to endure a nice dinner out with friends while she talked about the massive size of the umbilical cord (no joke) and other such things just as dinner was being served. It went on and on in spite of the company at the table being quite obviously disturbed….lol!
Anyhow, again as Holly above said, putting a picture of yourself with your child is nice. Just don’t forget who the profile page is about!
When I add a friend on FB, I add it because of them, not their offspring!
June 30th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I agree. Use your own picture. Since Facebook is famous for reuniting old college, high school, sports friends, sometimes I’m not sure if I have the right person because it’s a baby on that pic!
I am determined that when I have kids, I will still maintain my own intellect.